Friday, September 01, 2006

a rose by any other name

As I drove in to work this morning, I was having one of those moments I expect everyone else also has. It's the kind of feeling one gets when remembering having done something quite stupid. Sometimes the reaction to the feeling can be a sudden shudder, slapping of the forehead, a Homer Simpson "D'oh", or simply an admitting smile.

My reaction this morning was a brief closing of the eyes and a gentle shaking of the head. I couldn't keep my eyes closed for very long seeing as I was driving. It was a memory from my adolescence, early teens I believe. I also smiled briefly as I drove, thinking how silly I was for feeling odd because of an event so long passed.

As a youth, I attended a youth group every Wednesday in our church. At the time we called it "young peoples". It was a time for the youth of our church to get together for energetic activities, peer socialisation, and Bible lessons. The lessons were quite evangelical in nature rich with pressure to conform. I recall one Wednesday when one of the leaders was talking about hell, and he said, "You know how hot a sauna is don't you...well, hell is going to be twice as hot as that". We always said he was a little "retarded" anyways.

Young Peoples was a great place for us to put on our best display of coolness for the opposite genders. I remember feeling quite confident walking into the church one particular Wednesday wearing a new pair of brown suede Hush Puppies. Now I was as cool as my friend Ray who smoked outside before and after the meetings.

I don't know if it was the Hush Puppies or not, but I do remember at some given time hearing that a girl in the group, Rose Blatz, liked me. She was cute. She has shoulder-length, slightly wavey, blond hair. She wore no makeup...she didn't need to. Pure and simple, just like you would imaging a Rose Blatz should look like. From then on, without us ever talking about it, I'm assuming we were considered, by her, to be a pair. We would occasionally say "hi" to each other and exchange glances paired with a nervous smile, but there was never any communication about an agreed union, as it were. Months would pass with this unspoken union.

Now here comes the memory which made me shake my head this morning. After the church Christmas concert one evening, Rose met me in the foyer on the South side of the church. She had her usual smile for me, and also a wrapped package. I didn't know what to say. All I did say, however, was, "Thanks...(awkward stare and near angina attack)...I'm sorry but I didn't get you anything". She told me that it was alright, and then I walked out the door, got into my parents blue Ford LTD, and went home. I fought with the image of Rose's disappointed face for a long time after that.

This morning I felt like finding out what ever happened to Rose. I wanted to call her up and ask her, "Are you O.K?...Did you turn out alright?...I'm so sorry, Rose, I didn't know what I was doing."

Sometimes I'm still not sure whether I know what I am doing. I'll often have recall of things that happened much more recently than my youth, and then I'll wonder at my current ability to be a good man. There are many roses in my life that are currently just as sweet and fragile as the Rose of my youth...and they are in full bloom. It would be a shame to miss it.

8 comments:

andy said...

I know just what you mean about those old memories, Brian. I, too, have those occasions when I cringe inwardly at something I said or did over 30 years ago, then have to remind myself that a lot of personal evolution has happened since then.

Or has it? Sometimes time seems to work differently to the linear way we imagine it, and those memories from 30 years ago can have more power over us than something we said last week.

Btw, I was part of a church group like that too - Young People's Fellowship of YPF for short.

Brian the Mennonite said...

Andy, you've created quite a little conversation between my wife and me about your comment regarding time. It has moved from the traditional feeling where time is linear, then quickly moved on to time being its own dimension, and in that, the past being just as present as the present...Sheeesh, where will it end?
Thanks for your visit and your comment.

Anonymous said...

What a beautiful anecdote, Brian!
Can you imagine if Rose had the same thoughts at the same time as you! People do usually "connect" like that.
It is really refreshing to recall those amazing past times and wonder what if...
Cream... Blogger won't let me comment with my identity...Weird!

Brian the Mennonite said...

Thanks Cream. Weird that you can't comment as you. Blogger is strange like that some days.
I could write a few more posts about moments similar to the Rose one here, but I think the subject would become quite tedious.

Romeo Morningwood said...

"Ever-ry Rose has it's thorn"
Ah the one that got away stories are always bittersweet...you don't have any reality clouding the mystery...the magic would have been lost with that first kiss in the back of the blue Ford LTD..well maybe 5 minutes later.

Sorry. That was a sweet sentimental journey and I shouldn't ruin it...but I'll bet that Rose is 1700 pounds now and she has had several litters. She probably forgot about you years ago. I bet that right now she smokin' her Marlies and watchin' her 'stories' on TV with her one good eye while raking her back with a scratchin' pole.
Most things look better from a distance.

Sorry. I know that you were after some confirmation that you are a great guy and I sound like a miserable bastard for not acknowledging your angst.

Brian. You are a great guy.

Brian the Mennonite said...

I'm actually hoping that some of my family members, who lived in her area, and who also knew her, will try to find out what she's up to. 1700 pounds...that's pretty damn big.

Romeo Morningwood said...

Oh Brian silly me I thought that you said Rose Platz..oh dear..anyway...listen, I kept thinking about your scandalous behavior as a teenage cad and the mental scarring that you blatantly inflicted upon 'the one that got away' and I think that you need to watch the the Butterfly Effect. You just can't screw around with Time Travel...everything else will be out of sync... remember the Matrix..
the red one or the blue one Neo?

esther said...

what a sweet post
i actually likened the analogy more, to ones kids.
they are in full bloom,all the time,
what a shame to miss their young adulthood...
even though my guy isn't close to young adulthood...
it's a great reminder to be present today.

thanks brian!