This is the weekend to sit around the house in my long underwear and catch up on some grading which has been begging to be considered for the last long while. The dining room table is piled sky high and the coffee machine is chugging away as I push aside some of the papers so that I can create some space for me to do hours and hours worth of Su Doku puzzles...thanks a lot Alice.This week Tuesday is my last day of work at my current position. I must admit that I am beginning to worry a little. Today I found myself tearing up as I was listening to a promotional CD for an upcoming CD release and concert by Steve Bell. The concert is titled Steve Bell - my dinner with Bruce. All of the tunes will be Steve's interpretations of Bruce Cockburn's songs. The song that caused my eyes to well up was Pacing the Cage and Steve's words that accompanied it. He said that when he heard that song for the first time, it was during a period in his life, and we all have these, where confusion, uncertainty, fatigue, and the reality of human suffering were pressing in. He found himself on the floor, weeping beside the stereo holding his stomach in grief. I wasn't in great turmoil this afternoon as I sat in my long underwear at the dining room table, but I felt someone else's pain, and I closed my eyes and cried. I felt one with Steve, and Bruce, and my situation, all mixed up and uncertain.
I felt like doing something other than writing percentages and comments on student's work, so I picked up my guitar and fiddled with the song that had just moved me. It wasn't long before it could have been me playing for the recording.
Later on, after Joyce had returned from her trip to the mall to pick up my ordered book from Chapters, I told her of my wet eyes. My daughters overheard and remarked that they had never seen me cry. I told them if they came with me to the concert on Thursday, they would see their dad crying like a little baby. They plan to join me.
I'm thankful that I have something to look forward to this week, as after Tuesday, I have no classroom to call my own and pace back and forth in. Getting out of the house will be crucial as pacing at home will certainly lead to a hasty emergency relocation for this wild animal.
Anyone need a sick day this week? I know a good substitute teacher.
13 comments:
Wow, some kind of post here.
Unusual for a man to bare soul and online. You go!
Ask those gene pool girls of you to surround you with big hugs.
They are lucky to have an open dad.
Smooch,
The Tart
see honey? I told you all the women in cyber space would want you now!
Oh my -- you almost made me cry! But I feel more sorry for the kids who've grown attached to you. They *so* love their teacher at that age, don't they? Will you sub until you find a new position? (Were you replacing someone on leave?) Maybe now's the time to bump up your training a notch. Take a page from the book of Cindy Klassen.
Jody: Joyce thinks I'm out to get more female readers by showing my sensitive side and shedding a few cyber tears. I'll never tell if that's the truth or not. :)
Joyce: I think there's a song in that somewhere but I'll be damned if I can think of it right now.
Andrea: The returning teacher is coming off of a maternity leave. I was really hoping that she would decide not to return.
Yes, I'll sub until I find something new. There is already talk about an upcoming position...so I'm not that worried. This really would be a good time for me to put in a lot of extra miles as I'd really be in the way of Joyce's day care if I stayed at home and sat on my ass all day.
Brian, in our household, the motto is "Everything happens for a reason." That's not always immediately comforting, but it always seems to turn out to be true. I am sure that whatever comes along next will be the right thing at the right time. As for the tears...sounds like a small catharsis that had to come. Enjoy the time away from grading papers...there will be many more to come in the near future, I'm sure!
Just as your tears were a wordless response, so my response to your post doesn't really have any words - just a feeling that says, yeah, I've been there too. It's a place that, once visited, I keep coming back to. And strangely enough, I think that's all to the good. I hope it works that way for you, too.
This family is praying for yours. We've been in that sitaution, and very little has challenged me quite the same way.
Carla: I am also a firm...NO, an extremely firm believer that everything happens for a reason. The hard part is waiting for the part of the story where all the events are tied together and sense is made.
Andy: Your words carry a little more weight and or significance than other's. I know you have been there too. I cherish the fact that you can read what I have written and empathize. I try to teach empathy to my students every day. It is such a crucial trait to bear.
Christy: I appreciate that...even though I have become more synical of people who wish prayers on others. Coming from you, this means significantly more than from those I tend to criticize. I'm far too bloody critical.
Brian, from what I've heard from Joyce and even yourself about what you all do in the classroom for your kids, enjoy your little break because before you know it you will be saddled with a contract and no variety, and lots of prep. the Big Guy is just waiting until there is a job opening in our school, thats my hope anyway!! Hey what concert are you going to on thursday?
Long term sub jobs are so very hard. I've had my share and it's just never easy to leave children, especially when they've grown to love you. And it's a different kind of love than that of your family - precious in it's own right and one you grow very fond of experiencing daily. It's a love that's hard to understand fully unless you've walked in those shoes. There are days when I definately miss it.
All their little habits that they do, full of nuance... all the little things they try to get away with, and the cherished smiles they sneak at you when they feel they've got that very second of you all to themself without having to share you with the rest of the children.... it all wiggles it's way into your heart.
I always tried to look at it as taking the lessons and cherished moments with me instead of looking at it as moving on. Prized moments with children (even the not so prized because we learn from those moments just the same) are like the gold leaf edging on pages in our chapters of life. The book reads just the same with all the events, but when that gold lining catches your eye it makes the moments sparkle all that much better. Think back on the sparkles.
Something else will come along and you'll be all afresh trying to learn names to faces and trying to soften hard mornings and simmer chaotic afternoons...
Wishing you peace of mind and heart until your next gig comes along...
Truly,
Insanity Infusion
Oh Brian, I'm so sorry that you will lose your little family! I read all the comments and it sounds like you have received heartfelt and loving advice from a lot of people that truly care about you!!! I know that wonderful things will come your way soon! Enjoy all the things you have been longing to do too!
Hey Bud
That song has killed me too. I remember the first time I heard it I was driving, and I almost had to pull over. Did you get to the concert? I went on Sunday night here in S'toon, and it was great. Looks like we need to get together and talk. Lots has gone under the bridge for both of us in the last couple of years. Take care, my friend.
Val: Many good opportunities have already been placed before me...and I'm having fun subbing. Thanks for your kind words.
Darren: I didn't end up going. Our baby sitter got sick a few hours before we were to go and so we ended up staying home. Joyce said that I should still go, but I had an image in my mind of us being there together, and it didn't seem right to not have it that way. I'll console myself with buying a couple of Steve's CDs the next time I'm on his website. :)
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