You would think that after three trips to the lap pool and nearly 20 miles run this week that I would feel good about my performance. Well think again.
This morning I got up at 7:10 and got ready to go for my weekend run with my running buddy Merle. As I was getting dressed I noticed that Joyce was not sounding too good as she had quite a bad cough and sniffles. I medicated her twice before walking out the door. As I was on the road running, Merle and I were talking as usual when I suddenly had this feeling that I needed to cut the run short as I was worried about Joyce. I think I ran only about three miles in the end.
Joyce still had a bad headache but she was essentially fine. I needn't have worried but I was glad to know that the feeling of compassion was something still alive and well within me.
A feeling that I am concerned with is the feeling of self-condemnation. I am already thinking to myself that I this morning's run was a failure...and the feeling that this whole week has been a loss. My question is where does this feeling come from? Just because I didn't set out to accomplish what I had intended to do this morning shouldn't negate all the good I have done. This feeling frustrates me and I don't know what to do about it other than go for another run to make up for it...but that, to me, doesn't solve the problem of where the feeling comes from.
Any reductionistic theories out there?
skip to main |
skip to sidebar
About Me
- Brian the Mennonite
- All the diamonds in this world that mean anything to me are conjured up by wind and sunlight sparkling on the sea. - Bruce Cockburn
Blogs I"m Watching
www.flickr.com
This is a Flickr badge showing public photos from brian_the_mennonite. Make your own badge here.
9 comments:
I know the feeling well. Too well. I used to try and console myself by saying that good training always requires a rest day or an easy day, and if you've had both, then you'll be able to push yourself harder on your next run. It's a good lesson in showing yourself how training is so much more than just physical. Not to mention that marriage is so much more than just companionship. Good on you, Brian, for taking care of Joyce.
This is just my two cents, but...
You're an educator and a father of four and given both those you know life must be flexible.
Teaching lessons, especially to 2nd graders (I taught 2nd grade for a few years), you never quite know how you'll need to adjust things...and you make the most of it. You give attention to the mood and the disposition of the class...to the weather... to the events at hand in the school... etc. You don't have control over those variables but you have the control to work as best you can with them.
We all know family life takes its turns in course more often when we least expect it than when we're prepared for it. Again, we do our best to work with what's tossed in our lap and be accomodating to remedy the situations that arrise.
But what you have complete control over is the agenda you set for yourself. In your mind, you control what your personal expectations and accompliments are to be for yourself. You decide what you want to complete and in what time frame you want it completed in. So when you don't meet your goals, you feel you've failed.
It's understandable, but awfully hard on yourself.
Remember that life is about changes...growing and learning and working with what you're dealt and what you have...
Keeping a positive attitude and making a difference in the lives you touch.
If you only run three miles instead of five miles...it's not a failure. Think of it as a change in your agenda for the better...instead of accomplishing one thing - a lengthy run... you accomplished two - a wonderful run and a heartfelt check-in to the most important woman in your life.
So really, you were more productive...
It's all about keeping the right perspective.
Truly,
Insanity Infusion
#1, running is like crack, yes the drug. I ran and ran and ran and ran, for years. I would run in the rain, thunder, hail, 100 degree heat...you get the picture. It's all about what goes in in the body regarding the run.
My guess is your body was all wired for the big run and it didn't happen...no body drugs where released.
Instead your heart overruled, the drug need in you--better instinct, I think.
So yes, go run! You will feel much better. It worked for me.
#2, I also recommend you google the running drug thing, to better understand what you have created in yourself.
The endorphins (sp?) are your crack...it's a good thing...you just need to understand it, so you are not freaked out or have guilt/depression.
#3, Good for you for taking care of your heart and Joyce, both important, both need each other.
Hmmm, maybe I will go for a run in my new Nike's!
<: -)
Pal, yup, you hooked. Endorphins-#5, see article.
I know, as I am hooked too. I love to run!
Cool Runnig Article
Search the web and you will find more info.
Smooch,
The Tart
I say
A) gosh, that's so sweet that you were worried about me, its crazy how happy that makes me.
B) I think I should get into this crazy run-til-you-puke thing, because I could never afford crack.
I wish I could think of something more helpful to say, Brian, as a way of repaying you for all the kind comments you’ve left for me. It occurs to me that perhaps this wish of mine has the same source as those self-condemnation feelings of yours, namely the idea that there is some standard by which we judge ourselves, and against which we often seem to fall short. I can’t explain where it comes from, but I can at least stand beside you and say that I share its debilitating effects.
The downside of the desire to achieve anything is that it is so rarely fulfilled in the present. Running is a good example – you can spend weeks in single-minded training and it’s all geared towards just a few minutes that hang in the future, then suddenly flash by and are gone. All the focus is on what you might achieve on the day of the race. Even attention to the here-and-now details of training performance is all leading up to that moment in the future; everything else in the present gets pushed to one side.
Yet the thing about your decision to turn back is that it was a real response in the present to what was going on for you, right then and there.
Some of my most memorable days in the hills have involved turning back. I didn’t achieve the predetermined goal, but I gained confidence in my judgement, and enjoyed testing my ability to adapt a plan to changing circumstances.
Like I said, no answers… It all seems to be an inescapable part of being human. After all, without that drive to achieve, would we ever have come down from the trees?
"The need for the elation of achievement would be my feeling alone."
andrea: "training is so much more than just physical"...I know for sure I'll agree with you all the more come the 10th mile of my first fast-paced half this year. And "marriage is so much more than companionship"...I agree with you now and I know I'll always agree with you. If all I wanted was companionship, I would have purchased a chia pet. :)
insane lady: Your two cents are worth quite a bit, even though they are Canadian currency. I was pleasantly surprised at the great length you went to find encouragement for me...and in the end you told me that my choice to stop and go back home was actually more productive than proceeding. Those words of yours were very meaningful to me...thank you.
lyn: Thank you also for your words of wisdom and what you said about me taking care of my heart. Really I was doing that in two ways wasn't I? I'll always have a picture in my mind of you in your cowgirl suit, running with your new Nikes on, and a freshly lit crack pipe hanging out of your mouth. Thanks for the image. You made me smile.
jody: I think you're right...and that's a great article. Many agreeable points. Can you think of a word that rhymes with endorphins?
joyce: It's all about you baby...all about you.
andy: I loved everything that you said, and I could feel the spirit in which you wrote your well thought out words...but what I appreciated the most was this: "but I gained confidence in my judgement, and enjoyed testing my ability to adapt a plan to changing circumstances".That was beautifully put and it gives a voice to my longing for justification. Thank you for your torch on my path.
rod: Two things...I think it was an unsatisfied need to be elated and I am NOT alone in this need. There seems to be a lot of relating going on here.
Man, I struggle with every time I cut a run short. I feel like a total failure or a wimp.
Nice to see I'm 'normal' as far as booze drinking mennonites go.
Post a Comment